Wednesday, June 16, 2010

This sucks

When I pictured in my mind how this grieving thing would go, it involved me in a sobbing heap on the floor. But it's more like being lost in a fog. I can't seem to figure out what I'm doing. Or supposed to do. I pace. A lot. I walk from room to room not sure why I left one or entered the other. I reached into the freezer to get a waffle for Julia and found myself standing in the kitchen with a handful of ice, no clue how it got there.

I make to-do lists, then forget I have them. I am starving, but the thought of food makes me sick. Two bites of anything and I'm so stuffed I feel sick. I don't want to go back to work, but I don't want to stay home. I don't want company, but I don't want to be alone. I just don't want to be.

I'm keeping busy with planning the celebration of life service and dealing with a bunch of paperwork. I have friends around me and my mom is here. And of course, Julia, who is completely oblivious about what is going on. It's been nice looking through photos for the service and finding random things around the house, like all the shoes to Julia's princess dolls in his dresser drawer. Not sure the explanation on that one.

It's also been nice to go out to the mailbox or check my email and find an outpouring of love for Mike and for me. I'm reading all your comments and kind words and they really do help me get through the day.

I'm so looking forward to seeing everyone in Charleston, so we can share the good memories and funny stories.

I think I mentioned the prayer of St. Therese before. I said it a lot these past two years, but it's especially helpful now. I say it every morning.

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

1 comment:

Jen said...

Carrie, It breaks my heart that you are going through this. It breaks my heart that Mike is gone. I cannot even imagine the heaviness and sorrow that has surrounded you. You are a strong woman and you will come through this even stronger. Just remember the fog will lift and the good memories will prevail. You and Julia are in my heart and prayers. I wish you all the best.

Jennifer Joslin