Dreams

I've only had two or three dreams about Mike since he died. I didn't dream about him at all for the first five months or so, which really upset me. I read some other young widows' blogs, and several of them have written about how they have these great dreams about their husbands, almost like they were there. A visit, of sorts.

I've been waiting for my turn.

In all of my dreams, Mike has been sick. In the one last night, we were in an airport. He wasn't obvioulsy sick, but I knew that he was. He was carrying Julia and walking in front of me, so I couldn't see his face. I woke up with such longing for him and such an emptiness. A punch in the gut. I couldn't shake it all day.

In a previous dream, around the time I sold our house, I dreamed that Julia and I were getting ready to move. But Mike wasn't coming with us. And I was upset, worrying about who would take care of him. But he wanted us to go. That much I knew.

It will be three years next month since cancer came into our world. Have I forgotten the happy, healthy Mike? Do I not remember what it was like when we were just normal people in love with each other and our baby girl? I would give anything to dream about him, before cancer. To see his face and hear his voice.

Nine months

I miss how he used to call me and Julia his "girls."

I miss that hint of Jersey in his voice when he said my name.

I miss the mornings when Julia and I would pounce on him to wake him up.

I miss hearing him crawl into bed after Friday night football.

I miss shopping for polo shirts without any sort of logo because he hated logos.

I miss kissing his temple.

I miss sitting next to him on the couch.

I just freaking miss him.